It's somewhat fitting that her last treatment would fall on the one year anniversary of her hospital stay. I still remember those 12 scary days in May. It was a fucking nightmare. I spent each day and night at the hospital. Rarely sleeping. I'd go home to take out the dog, curl up in a ball on the floor and cry. Then go back to the hospital and try my best to make her feel comfortable. I was miserable, paranoid and frightened. As if the news of my wife having cancer wasn't enough, we were now faced with her having a mysteriously high fever and chills. I didn't know what I could do. I was helpless. I remember one particular night. I spent a few good hours there and I went home to take care of a few things. It was one of her worst days and I sat in my car in the parking garage and just started punching my steering wheel until my knuckles were raw and sore. I wanted to punch brick walls. I wanted to fight the world. I was full of rage and seething anger and I just snapped. I was at my wits end. The love of my life was laying in a hospital bed and there was nothing I could do about it.
And then...she just bounded back. A weaker person would give up, feel sorry for themselves. Not Sarah. She dug deep during that time, found her inner warrior. Kicked the shit out of what was ailing her and got better. Now here we are. Surgery, chemo, radiation...all of it done.
I know I've used the word a lot here, but I've got to tell you that I can't help but feeling overwhelmed over all that has happened. It blows my mind to think of all that Sarah has been through. No one should have to face up to what she went through. It was pure hell. There was no way she deserved to be put through that.
I know it's cliched, but I've learned a lot over the past year or so. I've grown. I've learned to value different things. We faced up to adversity and I have to say that we did pretty damn good. And that's the one take away I have from all of this. That no matter what you are up against, if you keep on fighting...nothing...and I mean nothing can destroy you.
That's my advice to you. Take it for what it is.
Be relentless. STAY relentless. And keep on fighting.
- b.
