these things we carry

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It's taken me all month to post during it because for Sarah & I every day we are very much aware of it. Every day is a reminder of what she's been through. It was hell.

I still remember the day she was diagnosed. I was a ball of rage and seething anger. I wanted to fight the world. I was frustrated and lost. We sat together in our living room and cuddled. I went to the basement and punched the brick wall, then a metal post and repeated that. I didn't even feel physical pain at that point. I was blank.

In a matter of seconds, with one simple word, we were thrust into something very scary. There was no instruction manual for us to get through this. No how-to guide. We were strangers in a strange land. Along the way though, we sort of figured it out. We got through.

We learned a lot. Not just about what we value, but we found out a lot about ourselves. What we can endure...both emotionally and physically. I learned that the girl I met at a concert 13 years ago was stronger than any one I ever met. She was relentless.

To pay tribute to her I got a tattoo of an anchor with the words "be relentless" on it. The anchor because, she's been my anchor for the past 13 years but through all this she has been it more than ever.

So, while October closes out, we encourage you all to remain aware. Women, check yourselves, regardless of family history.

think different.

Steve Jobs died last night. I learned about it on my iPhone. On my way home I listed to my iPod and now I am writing this on a MacBook. All products that he had a hand in creating. None of this is really relevant to the blog entry and yet in many ways it is VERY relevant to it.

When I returned home from work Sarah and I had a long chat about life and how unexpected and uncertain it is. It's weird that someone you never met would have such a profound impact on you. I'm not just talking about the products he invented. I'm talking about the conversation that Sarah and I had. There we were discussing the life of someone who we didn't know personally and how it somehow could be related to what we were facing.

As we rung in the New Year last year we had no idea for what was in store for us. We had a plan. And cancer certainly wasn't part of it. In fact it wasn't even on our radar. Less than 20 days into 2010 our lives were changed. Plans were halted and what was supposed to be "The Best Year of Our Lives" turned into the worst. It was a fucking nightmare. But through it all we came out stronger.

Our plan was to start a family. It was a plan we had waited on for some time and decided that was the right time for us to start. Then things got shitty. That plan had to be put on hold, yet in a way we did start that family. Last year we adopted a dog, Bella, who proved to be just as headstrong as Sarah and who also helped in the healing process for both of us. And most recently we adopted a puppy, LeMonde, a black lab mix who is full of curiosity and a sense of adventure. So we have three cats and two dogs. It's a madhouse at times, but it is OUR madhouse. And we love it.

So while things didn't go as planned, we wound up dealing with it just fine. As Winston Churchill once said: "When you're going through hell, keep going." And keep going we did. We forged on and now, we hope to put the bullshit hand life dealt us in 2010 behind us. DO YOU HEAR US CANCER?!? YOU WILL NOT BREAK US!

One takeaway we earned from all this is to not sweat the small stuff. As cliche as that sounds it is true. We don't worry about the same things that once stressed us. We are free in many ways. And this is my advice to you, the reader: Don't get bogged down with worry. Don't waste time. Follow you passion. Follow your heart. If you do all those things you're gonna be ok.

As I write this I am watching the commencement speech Jobs gave at Stanford University in 2005 and one quote hit home: "Sometimes life's gonna hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith." And last year was like getting hit in the head with a brick. And we didn't lose faith And that is what matters.

Don't any of you lose faith. Ever.

//be relentless.

-b