this time, last year....

Its hard to believe that it's been almost two years since our lives were turned upside down. Actually, saying our lives were turned upside down would be an understatement. Devastated is more suiting.

I'll never forget New Year's Eve December 31, 2009. I was working until 4:30 that day. Sarah and I had our traditional plans of ringing in the new year the way we had for nearly a decade -- dinner and drinks in the comforts of our own home. I skipped hitting the pub the way I would always closeout every month with my co-workers in lieu of getting started early on our romantic dinner in.

And thats when I caught a lasting image that has been forever been engrained on my mind: Sarah standing in the doorway, tears welling up in her eyes. She told me she had found a lump on her breast. I was speechless.

"How could this happen?" I thought "Why us?'

We decided not to ignore it (something another couple might do) but we also had it set that it would be nothing. That it was something else. It couldn't be cancer. That's the type of shit that happens to other people. We had the mindset that everything would be fine. She'd get it checked out and then we could go about our normal lives. Happily every after, right?

Wrong.

The close of 2009 the new year held so much promise. Like all New Year's Eves we were on the cusp of great things. Then a little over two weeks into 2010 and we were dealt the chilling confirmation. Sarah had cancer.

I had so many emotions swirling through me: fear, anger, sadness, frustration. I was terrified. I felt helpless. But I also had this overwhelming sense of hope. Part of that hope came from a great deal of support we got from friends, but a vast majority of that hope came right from Sarah.

She never took a "woe is me" attitude towards our situation. She faced it head on with a fire in her belly and the heart of a champion. Sarah never buckled under the pressure. To say she is an inspiration would be a grave injustice, the girl is much more than that.

When things were at their most dire, Sarah still had an optimistic attitude. I remember one summer night in 2010, she had just finished a 12-day stint in the hospital where she ran a high fever, had a blood clot and was subjected to a battery of tests, the type of stuff that would make the strongest of the strong give up hope. But not Sarah. I remember one night we were at hope talking and she said to me, 2011 is going to be our year. She looked at me and give me this smile that was part innocent, part mischievous and all parts Beanz.

2010 we had our world rocked. 2011 we took back control. Two years, two stark contrasts. One was the lowest of all lows. The next was a meteoric rise to the top, an express elevator to happiness. We learned some valuable lessons over the past two years.

In 2010 we learned who are friends are and who are friends aren't. We learned that material things don't mean shit in the grand scheme of things. We learned about hope and survival and getting through the hard times. And believe me, 2010 has about as tough as it gets.

In 2011 we had so many positive things happen: we moved into a new home, Sarah got a new job, we got a puppy (a 34-pound spitfire named LeMonde who is growing every day) and best of all...SARAH IS CANCER FREE!

I couldn't script a more productive and happy 2011.

So, as we close out one of the happiest years of our lives, we turn the page on what is going to be another happy (and more importantly) HEALTHY new year.

Be safe. Be happy. BE RELENTLESS.

these things we carry

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It's taken me all month to post during it because for Sarah & I every day we are very much aware of it. Every day is a reminder of what she's been through. It was hell.

I still remember the day she was diagnosed. I was a ball of rage and seething anger. I wanted to fight the world. I was frustrated and lost. We sat together in our living room and cuddled. I went to the basement and punched the brick wall, then a metal post and repeated that. I didn't even feel physical pain at that point. I was blank.

In a matter of seconds, with one simple word, we were thrust into something very scary. There was no instruction manual for us to get through this. No how-to guide. We were strangers in a strange land. Along the way though, we sort of figured it out. We got through.

We learned a lot. Not just about what we value, but we found out a lot about ourselves. What we can endure...both emotionally and physically. I learned that the girl I met at a concert 13 years ago was stronger than any one I ever met. She was relentless.

To pay tribute to her I got a tattoo of an anchor with the words "be relentless" on it. The anchor because, she's been my anchor for the past 13 years but through all this she has been it more than ever.

So, while October closes out, we encourage you all to remain aware. Women, check yourselves, regardless of family history.

think different.

Steve Jobs died last night. I learned about it on my iPhone. On my way home I listed to my iPod and now I am writing this on a MacBook. All products that he had a hand in creating. None of this is really relevant to the blog entry and yet in many ways it is VERY relevant to it.

When I returned home from work Sarah and I had a long chat about life and how unexpected and uncertain it is. It's weird that someone you never met would have such a profound impact on you. I'm not just talking about the products he invented. I'm talking about the conversation that Sarah and I had. There we were discussing the life of someone who we didn't know personally and how it somehow could be related to what we were facing.

As we rung in the New Year last year we had no idea for what was in store for us. We had a plan. And cancer certainly wasn't part of it. In fact it wasn't even on our radar. Less than 20 days into 2010 our lives were changed. Plans were halted and what was supposed to be "The Best Year of Our Lives" turned into the worst. It was a fucking nightmare. But through it all we came out stronger.

Our plan was to start a family. It was a plan we had waited on for some time and decided that was the right time for us to start. Then things got shitty. That plan had to be put on hold, yet in a way we did start that family. Last year we adopted a dog, Bella, who proved to be just as headstrong as Sarah and who also helped in the healing process for both of us. And most recently we adopted a puppy, LeMonde, a black lab mix who is full of curiosity and a sense of adventure. So we have three cats and two dogs. It's a madhouse at times, but it is OUR madhouse. And we love it.

So while things didn't go as planned, we wound up dealing with it just fine. As Winston Churchill once said: "When you're going through hell, keep going." And keep going we did. We forged on and now, we hope to put the bullshit hand life dealt us in 2010 behind us. DO YOU HEAR US CANCER?!? YOU WILL NOT BREAK US!

One takeaway we earned from all this is to not sweat the small stuff. As cliche as that sounds it is true. We don't worry about the same things that once stressed us. We are free in many ways. And this is my advice to you, the reader: Don't get bogged down with worry. Don't waste time. Follow you passion. Follow your heart. If you do all those things you're gonna be ok.

As I write this I am watching the commencement speech Jobs gave at Stanford University in 2005 and one quote hit home: "Sometimes life's gonna hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith." And last year was like getting hit in the head with a brick. And we didn't lose faith And that is what matters.

Don't any of you lose faith. Ever.

//be relentless.

-b

we can be heroes...

Yesterday was the Ride for Roswell, my fourth one and second as a team captain of BEANZ BRIGADE. This year was another success for our team as we collectively raise nearly $4,000 for cancer research at Roswell Park. This year the event raised over $3 million! That's pretty phenomenal and I'm honored to be part of something that big.

This was my first year on the ride with my new bike (a nifty little Jamis Ventura). Man, what a difference from riding the little BMX! My pedal output was greater. My ride time improved drastically and overall I just felt more legit while riding.

Sarah wasn't able to make it to the ride this year and for good reason. So, I sort of took on the role of the face of our team. And while she wan't there in person, her "be relentless" attitude was alive and well. I used it to push through the pain of pedaling. Whenever I felt like slowing down, I simply thought of her being on the sidelines doing her trademark cheer of "Go baby, go!" and I would get a burst of speed.

During the ride so much went through my mind. I thought about how far we've come since last year. What Sarah's been through. What she's accomplished. How much our lives have improved since last year. It's been like night and day.

They say that you never forget to ride a bike and while I'm not sure if that much is true I will say that life itself is a lot like a bike ride. You set out and maybe you have a route mapped out, maybe you're just going where the roads take you, but you can never be sure just where you'll end up. You may think you have it all planned out -- you draw up your map or set your GPS, but you can never factor in everything. Maybe you go to make a left turn and wind up hitting a detour that takes you to places you've never been before. And maybe those places are great, maybe those places are horrible. But that's the way life is, your path never always ends up according to plan. That is the way last year worked out for us. But through it all, Sarah kept plugging along and now, here we are...back on path.

When I crossed the finish line I had a thought; that this year Sarah crossed a finish line of her own...the end of treatments. That's the real finish line. Things always seem to fall into perspective for me at the most random times and that was one of them. I crossed the finish line to a throng of spectators cheering me on, some of them were cancer survivors and current patients, here they are cheering me on, when it's them...people like Sarah who are the real heroes. I'm just some schmuck on a bike.

Now that the ride is over I just want to ride more. I want to make next years team 100 times more successful than this years one, but I also long for a day when I don't have to ride for cancer research. Imagine that...a world without cancer! Sounds like a beautiful place to me. Let's get there. I'll drive..or better yet, I'll pull the whole damn world there on my bike.

Much love as always. BE RELENTLESS.

turning point

Today was an important day...it marked the end of Sarah's cancer treatments.

It's somewhat fitting that her last treatment would fall on the one year anniversary of her hospital stay. I still remember those 12 scary days in May. It was a fucking nightmare. I spent each day and night at the hospital. Rarely sleeping. I'd go home to take out the dog, curl up in a ball on the floor and cry. Then go back to the hospital and try my best to make her feel comfortable. I was miserable, paranoid and frightened. As if the news of my wife having cancer wasn't enough, we were now faced with her having a mysteriously high fever and chills. I didn't know what I could do. I was helpless. I remember one particular night. I spent a few good hours there and I went home to take care of a few things. It was one of her worst days and I sat in my car in the parking garage and just started punching my steering wheel until my knuckles were raw and sore. I wanted to punch brick walls. I wanted to fight the world. I was full of rage and seething anger and I just snapped. I was at my wits end. The love of my life was laying in a hospital bed and there was nothing I could do about it.

And then...she just bounded back. A weaker person would give up, feel sorry for themselves. Not Sarah. She dug deep during that time, found her inner warrior. Kicked the shit out of what was ailing her and got better. Now here we are. Surgery, chemo, radiation...all of it done.

I know I've used the word a lot here, but I've got to tell you that I can't help but feeling overwhelmed over all that has happened. It blows my mind to think of all that Sarah has been through. No one should have to face up to what she went through. It was pure hell. There was no way she deserved to be put through that.

I know it's cliched, but I've learned a lot over the past year or so. I've grown. I've learned to value different things. We faced up to adversity and I have to say that we did pretty damn good. And that's the one take away I have from all of this. That no matter what you are up against, if you keep on fighting...nothing...and I mean nothing can destroy you.

That's my advice to you. Take it for what it is.

Be relentless. STAY relentless. And keep on fighting.

- b.

uncommon valor

Last Tuesday marked the one year anniversary of Sarah being diagnosed with breast cancer. I mean to post an update on the actual anniversary but couldn't bring myself to do so.

I wanted to recap that day, that day our lives were turned upside down. It seems like it wasn't that long ago, yet so much has happened between that time. Trials and tribulations, but also triumphs. It certainly hasn't been easy. Sarah was put through a hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. How she fought through it all is a testament of her be relentless attitude. She faced this thing head on.

I remember her walking in with her mother after she got the results. The whole time she was gone I was preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I was hoping she would walk through the door, huge smile on her face and would give me the "all clear" thumbs up. But that's not how it played out. She walked in..and I can tell by the look on her face what the answer was. I'll tell you, man -- nothing prepares you for that moment; having the love of your life tell you that she has cancer. It was like a kick in the throat. I was speechless. Everything started going in slow motion. I could hear my heartbeat. It was echoing through my body and then I went numb. I was devastated. I threw my arms around her and gave her a hug.

"Everything's gonna be alright, baby. I promise." I said. But I had no idea what we were getting into. I had no idea what we were up against. And I'll tell you this:

I.

WAS.

SCARED.

I was afraid of the unknown. We were both scared. We were far too young to be going through what we were about to embark upon.

But just as we sat there digesting the news, Sarah turned to me and said: "I'm going to beat this. I'm going to get the best treatment I can and beat this." And through all this, even when she was shaken to her core, she never backed down. And that's really what this entry is about. It's about Sarah's never give up vigor. Things got tough, Sarah got tougher.

One year is behind us officially and Sarah is just as relentless as ever.

...of resolutions & new beginnings...

So here it is. 2011 is just around the corner and I for one am elated beyond belief. I cannot wait to put 2010 behind me, and I think I speak for my wife when I say that she feels the same. This has definitely been the year from hell and soon it will be in my rear view mirror.

A lot has happened in 2010, Sarah and I pretty much had our whole lives turned upside down. Life as we knew it had been completely changed in an instant. If the past year were a book it would be called "2010: The Year That Sucked." I never would have expected 2010 to start off the way it did. That was supposed to be our year, full of promise and hope. But it's weird how life works out. You never fully get what you expect and things don't always turn out like you planned. What matters is how you handle what life gives you.

And now, 2010 comes to a close. It was tough. It was a battle. We faced challenges that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. As I reflect on how it all unfolded and how I responded, I like to think I did well. There were times when I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry on my living room floor (and there were times I actually did that). There were times when I thought that if I hoped and tried real hard that I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream. But that's not real world thinking. In the real world there is no do over. No reset button. It would be nice if there was though. We'd reset 2010 and get some magically happy outcome, a complete 180 from the 2010 we know. But like I said, life doesn't work out that way.

Sarah and I are ringing in the new year the same way we have for many years now and that's in the comforts of our own home. We stay in, enjoy a nice dinner we cooked together, lounge around in our pajamas and are generally in bed shortly after midnight. It may be a silly tradition, but it's our silly tradition and I wouldn't have it any other way.

With each new year comes new beginning. A fresh start, where you can wipe the slate clean -- put the old year behind you and begin anew. What's done is done and everyone looks forward to the new year with a fresh faced new hope. A hope of things to come and, if the cards are right, a promise of better days.

That's what's great about New Year's Eve. We flip the calendar and look forward to what is in store. And with that change comes a certain awkwardness. We clumsily fumble through those first few days and weeks getting used to putting that new year on our checks and forms. We wish our family, friends and random strangers a "happy new year" in the days leading up to and thereafter the new year and then wonder when we stop saying it (mid-January?). Some of us nurse nasty hangovers which span well into January 2nd and beyond. Yes, the change has different effects on everybody.

Another tradition many people have are New Year's resolutions; silly promises one makes to improve or otherwise change who they are. Maybe its to lose weight or exercise more. Maybe its to give up smoking. Maybe its to spend less money on luxury items or to save for that vacation. Maybe its to finally pay off debt. Maybe its to be more charitable. Maybe its to call a loved one more often. But how many of us really mean it? I mean really, really mean it? Sure, most of these promises are nice, but they're just that...promises. How often do we keep these promises? Most of these resolutions will be broken with in the first 30 days. Fewer make it past 6 months. The real sticklers make full life style changes.

So what's my New Year's resolution? It can be pared down to a simple two word motto: BE RELENTLESS. It's that same core belief that Sarah and I have had since this was all thrust upon us.

I will stay that way, no matter what I am faced with. No matter what challenges lie ahead. And that's the takeaway from this past year. 2010 has taught me a lot. It's taught me the value of friendship and family. Its taught me to never give up, no matter what the odds are. I've learned that I can rely on certain people and not others. I've learned that life doesn't always work out the way you think it will. And I've learned that inside my wife, the girl I call Beanz, lies the heart of a warrior.

So here's to 2011. May it bring us -- all of us -- a lifetime of health, wealth and new beginnings.

Happy New Year and as always: BE RELENTLESS.