hanging on in quiet desperation

Look. I just woke up after taking a nap with the wife. So if this entry doesn't congeal or make sense or seem coherent it's because I'm still a bit groggy...

This morning I found myself up earlier than ever to face the world. I tried to put on my optimistic face, but it became an exercise in futility. I just couldn't fake it, which is a tough thing to do when the woman you love more than anything in this world is about to go into surgery. Last night she looked at me and asked "You're not worried are you?" She had this look on her face. It was so sad and so sweet and so innocent. I was overcome. Of course I was worried. And she knew that. I was scared for her. But I couldn't show it. I REFUSED to show it. So I sort of lied and said I wasn't. For her sake, I felt it was better to have her believe that I was thinking everything was going to be alright.

But that's just me. I'm always a pessimist, my wife on the other hand is an optimist. And this morning she was raring to go. No one loves to get surgery, but she was excited to (her words here) "get this little fucker out of her."

I wasn't so much worried about the initial surgery. I met the surgeon a few weeks prior. He really put both our minds at ease and everything I've heard about him was nothing but positive. My concern was whether or not the cancer spread to any lymph nodes. That's the thing, no matter what, I always fear the worst.

We got to the hospital around 6:00 AM. And waited until they took her off to surgery around 8. And then waited some more. I tried sleeping in the waiting room, but it became quickly apparent that my racing mind wouldn't let me. I walked the floors. Checked out the cafeteria. Nothing interesting to eat.

Finally the surgeon walked into the waiting room.

"Sarah Maury's family?" he asked "This way, please." He gestured to us to come out in the hallway.

I braced myself. I braced myself for bad news. Those fears were quickly alleviated.

"She's doing fine. We're going to take her into recovery now and then she's free to go home."

The doctor said they took a cluster of lymph nodes and they all came back as being negative for cancer. Great news. Awesome news. The best news I've had in a long time, if not the best ever

I was so relieved. Sarah's mom began crying. Donald, her mother's fiancee began crying. I began crying. Tears of joy. Happy, relieved, crying faces all around. It was beautiful, man. I can't even fully articulate how much relief I felt at that moment.

We all sat with her in recovery for a few hours. She chugged a bunch of water and wound up getting a stomach ache from it. Typical Beany. She was a bit loopy from the anesthesia, but other than that she was in great spirits as usual. All she wanted to do was get home. All I wanted to do was get her home.

The fight isn't over, we know that. But Sarah is the strongest person I know. She might not look it, but that girl is tough. Cancer picked the wrong girl to mess with.

We're at home now. At a loss of words of how thankful we are. Not just for the great dose of news we got, but also for all of you. Over the past few weeks we've had so much support from everyone. It was uplifting. I know I've posted thanks already several times, but seriously...from the bottoms of our hearts, we thank you all. You have no idea what it means to me. You have no idea what it means to Sarah. It means more than I can ever put words to, and for that, we thank you. We love you all.

I'm going to sign off now. There's a beautiful girl on my couch that's just begging to be cuddled with (gently though, I mean she did have surgery today).

BE RELENTLESS.